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Take an regular X3, slice off the roof and a piece of the boot, add a splash of sportiness, proclaim it the BMW X4 F26 and sell it like Deauxma’s educational materials.

All Quiet at the BMW dealership, as the BMW X4 F26 follows the traditional BMW recipe where the odd numbers are reserved for the normal car versions and the even numbers for the sports versions. The 2 Series is a 1 Series sports, the 4 Series is a 3 Series Sports, the 6 Series is a 5 Series sports, and the BMW X4 is the sports version of the BMW X3. 

Is it though?

If you go by solely by the looks, yes. And, just like a lightly dressed summer band that entertains the beaches, the idea is that save for the appearance you don’t really have much to get excited about. Of course, the BMW X4 F26 only comes with 18-inch rims and above, while you can also install 17-inch bicycle rims on the X3, but that’s about it and this thorough, extensive list should’ve curbed your enthusiasm by this point of reading or whatever you are doing.

Apart from that, the X4 comes with pretty much the same equipment, same engines but with higher price tag and all-wheel drive only (the entry-level, aspirational X3 has rear wheel drive). So why would you buy this instead of the X3? The answer is much simpler than the answer to the question “Who would win if the vikings fought the samurai?”. The kind of person who buys a BMW, especially one who looks at the sports versions of normal cars, is hardly interested in practicality or efficiency or quality or other nonsense that the peasants lie themselves with when they buy a cheaper car. An argument that is cemented even more than my underwear on my buttocks when you realize that the BMW X4 F26 was built with the US market in mind and they thought of selling it in Europe after, and in the USA these kinds of BMWs are doing only/mostly the school run, as for serious business they have serious cars. I would love to keep on writing, but right at this moment on my driveway one of those 16 year old driveable washing machines passed by and it disconnected my thoughts.

BMW X4 F26 Engines

Petrol

• 2.0 Turbo N20 of 184 and 245 horsepower – One of the great advantages of the X4 is that it enjoys the fruits of the experiments made on the X3 which was launched 4 years prior. And in the case of the N20 engine, the argument is even stronger because the pre-2015 engine had the recurring problem of lubrication…I mean…premature timing chain failure, but from 2015 onwards it has been solved and the BMW X4 F26 was launched in 2014 and it is possible that these N20s came with the improved and updated timing chain. But why am I deluding myself and who am I kidding,  you don’t care about a 2 litre turbocharged petrol anyway.


• 3.0 Turbo N55 of 285, 306 and 340 horsepower – Now we’re talking! For the X3 this engine may be more confusing than Total Blackout, for the X4 however this engine is exactly what the doctor recommended because the X4 is the sports version and so it should run. And the americans got down to business and flocked towards this engine because a 2 litre engine is used to power a female self-pleasure vibrating device at most. With 184 horsepower in the USA it is very likely that a Chevrolet Spark overtakes you. Or an old man on a mobility scooter. As for reliability, you have the classic carbon build-up, the high pressure pump and the water pump issues. But at least you know that you have over 300 horsepower at your disposal.

Diesel

• 2.0d B47 of 150 and 190 horsepower – As for the diesel counterpart (I use dangerous words that I don’t understand but look good in public because and I also like to photosynthesis), pretty much the same story. If the X3 still has the dubious N47 lurking around, the BMW X4 F26 comes directly with the B47, which is a decent engine as long as you change the oil every 7-10,000 km, otherwise you will need some serious treatment.


• 3.0 N57 Turbo and Twin-Turbo of 258 and 313 horsepower – The old N57 remained here with it’s occasional premature timing chain failure and all that, but that didn’t stop the buyers.

BMW X4 F26 Common Issues

• As is with all the sports variants from BMW, the rear seats, the rear visibility and the boot space are negligent. But that is not relevant because you don’t have friends to sit in the back anyway because you have a BMW, rear visibility is not relevant because the Ice Cube Driving School teaches us to always look forward and never back, and the boot is irrelevant because you buy new clothes when you arrive at your destination anyway. Washing and re-wearing clothes is for people beneath you.


• Expensive, rare and uncomfortable tires which go hand in hand with the uncomfortable sports suspension. And probably runflat too. So make sure to test drive an X4 and then an X3 and see which one is friendlier and kinder to your spine.


• The electronics are many and will inevitably fail. No seriously, check all the buttons, dials and all the functions, so you don’t make a fool of yourself while driving around your above-average-not-quite-model passenger around Victoria Road. Also check the sunroof, if you have this option, because if it is not used water can seep in or the sunroof motor can get stuck.


• The automatic gearbox is a recurring theme, especially for BMW, because the gearbox is not bad in itself but many used car buyers have bought the “lifetime oil” marketing schenanigan and have lied to themselves that they don’t have to spend 400 pounds on an oil change because they don’t have the money for it so they just drive around like that and neglect the gearbox much how I have neglected my gf and now I’m typing from under a bridge.

BMW X4 F26 Verdict

This car really nailed it and was success in the US where you need a car that will show the world that you are hated by the impotent just because you are capable. And in Europe the narrative is pretty much the same, because the BMW X4 F26 is halfway between the X2 and X3, 1000-2000 pounds more expensive than the X3 but 1000-2000 pound cheaper than the X2, on the used market. So if you want a BMW for which the impotent will hate you because you are capable, this is the aspirational SUV to buy.

Which engines do I recommend? For the taxes-strangled europeans the 184 horsepower 2.0 Turbocharged petrol is adequate, but 90% of the models on the used market have come equipped with the 2 litre 150 and 190 horsepower diesel. However if you do not live in a country that punishes fun, the 306 horsepower 3 litre turbocharged N55 is the proper engine for the X4.